PG rated… It gets graphic!
Am sure all mums-to-be have heard about how labour is a bitch! “OMG, it is so painful… you’ll think you’re dying!”… a friend had told me when I was expecting Imani. I was so terrified, I couldn’t see how I would possibly survive this. In my youth days, I sucked at handling the painful cramps I used to get when auntie flo was around, but apparently, compared to labour pains, auntie flo’s cramps were a stroll in the park, on a nice summer’s day, enjoying gelato! I seriously started contemplating a double dose of epidural and a c-section – except it’s not that simple in Belgium. Thankfully, my amazing team of midwives at Amala had prepared me all through the pregnancy, explained the labour process, what happens to a woman body during labour, and how best to handle it. I was ready!!
So I went in like a soldier prepared for battle! Breathing technique… check! Hypno birthing prep… check! I went in and nailed it! The ‘toughest’ part was over, right?!… Except wrong!! No one told me that shit was about to get real!
It seems no one remembered to mention that there are other post delivery beasts.
- There are chances of you bleeding for up to 6 weeks!!! Yep!… you read me right, 6 straight weeks! That’s 42 days nonstop! And wait until you see the pads they give you at the hospital…Ha! They don’t even have wings! Seriously, when was the last time you saw a pad without wings… like back in 1990 or something. Before mobile phones, before digital tv! That long ago is when I last saw a wingless pad.
- If you were constipated during the pregnancy, like I was, chances are you’ll shit yourself – for lack of a more ladylike word – while pushing out your baby! I’ll be honest, my sister, Velona, warned me about this… she’s a joker you see, so I didn’t believe her. I should have though, and it’s even worse if you’re having a water birth like I did, picture what I mean?
- Your jewel down there will be on fire… like someone stuck a piece of hot coal in there! And this will last for some time hun… so be prepared!
- A nurse will come into your room the day post delivery and ask if you’ve been to the toilet… basically, if you’ve taken a shit yet… and you will wonder what a weird question. Well, my friend… taking that first dumb after the delivery is the scariest shit you’ll ever take! You’re advised not to push… just blow air out, emptying your lungs and just let the shit glide out gently. Apparently, if you push too hard, you might end up pushing other useful bits of you out too… and we don’t want that, do we? My advise… find a good book or magazine, wait for baby to nap, go in and take your time! Could easily be an hour in there!
- You will be tempted to take a mirror, lay it on the floor, spread your legs over it to check the state of the your bijou!… DON’T! I have warned you! Am not even going to tell you what you’ll see. Just don’t! For your own sake… you will not be able to un see what you’ll have seen. I’ll leave you with this… raw liver!!
- For the less fortunate of you…breastfeeding will be a huge challenge! I had a tough time with breastfeeding when I had Imani. I consulted every possible professional with no success. At that time, to me, breastfeeding was the most painful thing ever! Cracked, swollen, bleeding nipples… the pain was worse than that of labour! I persevered for about 4 months, but it was greatly affecting both of us, so we settled for formula. With Teo, the gods smiled upon me, I never had a single issue… and we breastfed till 11 or so months 🙂 So yeah, breastfeeding is not automatic. If you have issues, please consult a pro, there’s a lot of help out there. But if it doesn’t work, like in my case… your baby will still thrive on formula.
All that being said… holding your little human in your arms everyday, no matter what part of you is aching, is the most amazing feeling in the world! Trust me!
Well, now you know the other side of things… or maybe I missed something. What was the one thing that no one warned you about pregnancy or post delivery?